“Je n’ai pas la pêche” (“I don’t have the peach”)
This is a French saying for I’m feeling down.
image from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kaliegarrett/
Everyone has told me that my lay off had nothing to do with my job performance. When my position ended on my “home” floor I was offered a job on another unit (a position that couldn’t be filled- and I figured out why really fast) but I just couldn’t do it. I knew we needed the money but this job- it was bad. I want to give details but I won’t on a public blog. I tried it for a few weeks but I was so miserable that one day I just could NOT go back. Because I technically quit the hospital I was not given any severence pay even though I was not fired- My position was CUT. I really feel screwed because my director didn’t even give me a letter of recommendation. (I did receive glowing recommendations from my charge nurses/direct managers). The lay off came just a few days after a really great evaluation I had with my director. She seemed excited for me to join the skin team because I have wound experience. I asked for a class to expand on my tele skills. It really was an excellent review/evaluation which I have in writing. I was never reprimanded for anything but received a lot of compliments. My director said I adjusted well into the role and was well-liked by my coworkers. Then, a few days later, I was told my position was cut. I had one week left. (3 working days). It is hard to move on from this because it doesn’t sit right with me. I know there is nothing I can do about it and it isn’t worth pursuing. Yet it is still hard to move forward. It pulled the rug out from under me and even all of my coworkers were shocked.
I’m having a hard time finding a nursing job now and am beginning to ask myself all sorts of questions about myself, my health, nursing and life. And why this happened to me and if it was for a reason.
So… this is me giving myself a hug today. This is an excerpt of a patient letter that was written 3 months ago. (It was given to the same director who laid me off)
“For me six days in the hospital is just not doable. I am an active person and spend most of each day out of doors. Beyond that I tend to be private—certainly NOT your social butterfly. In a word my 6 days at (hospital name here) were hell, and as I began to deteriorate emotionally I could only watch from afar and curse the darkness…
…Chris takes a place in my heart beside my Aunt Arlene who was a surgical nurse in the South Pacific during World War II. I have asked myself over and over what I could do for this wonderful girl in thanks. Nothing adequate. Nothing appropriate. Chris brings a humility to her patients that is rarely seen in things medical. I believe that she is truly honored to serve…
…I say with humbleness and quiet “thank you” to a woman who made a maddening experience bearable. (She) made me comfortable at all times, absorbed my fears, my questions. I carry a debt of thanks I cannot repay, yet I thank (her) profusely and repeatedly. Knowing Chris has allowed me a small sip from the fountain of youth, even if by proxy. I will never forget her.”
My thanks to my patient, “CS”, for writing ths beautiful letter.
Hugs to you today,
P.S. I plan to post some of my favorite heartfelt personal nursing stories on this blog. I have a love/hate relationship with nursing. I hate what healthcare has become. I hate the politics, the budget cuts, working understaffed, the long hours and what it does to my back. It is draining. But I love meeting people I would have otherwise not had the chance to meet. As a nurse you get close to people really fast. You are in their personal space and get to see the real person they are very quickly. Though I have never stayed in touch with any of my patients, some of them stay close to my heart. They really do.